nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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