Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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