you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
