Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
