I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
