So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
