I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
All the doctor said was why
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
