Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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