Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
