life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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