WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
