areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
