Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
