Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize