I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
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At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
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Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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