i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
