if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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