so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
