i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
