I can't breathe out the right side of my face
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
