I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
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rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
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I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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