When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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