my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
