You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
