I have demons in me.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
