hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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