Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
