I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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