Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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