He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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