You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Randomize
