the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
