Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
