i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
