a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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