So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
