Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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