worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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