1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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