i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
