the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
