My liver just broke up with me...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
