why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
