I could make wine with my vomit
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
