WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
