You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
