My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize