Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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