sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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