mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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