It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
