Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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