Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
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I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
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She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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