My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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