At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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