I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
