So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
