so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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