Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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