so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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