I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
