when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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