So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
