wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
