i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
